I’m going to do my best not to swear in this post, but that’s not really saying much.
So you know how people say “Everyone’s a comedian!” or, if you’re in my line of work, “Everyone’s a writer!”? Well apparently, everyone is also an arbiter of fiscal responsibility and of what people should or should not do with their own earned money. Isn’t that comforting? Before we go any further, anyone who is busy and doesn’t have time to read this post and/or who is okay with profanity, please watch this Jay and Silent Bob clip about Internet commenters to get a succinct, if colorful, rendition of exactly how I’ve been feeling all day today since reading this comment. [Seriously. It’s hilarious.]
Everyone else, meet The Biggest Ball Licker of All, “Disgruntled Fan”:
Feel free to click to enlarge.
And now, allow me to dissect.
A. This is hilarious. First, readers, we get a direct line into Ball Licker’s mentality, which is that of a self-pitying, finger-pointing, holier-than-thou, sarcastic douche. Second, we get a blatant insult to my intelligence. As someone who was brutally laid off the day after her honeymoon in the darkest depths of the recession, who almost had too much pride to get on unemployment, but who busted her hump creating a blog as a working resume that would serve to get me the great, dream-fulfilling job I have now, I take your sarcasm, I fashion it into a turd, and I insert it into your pie hole.
B. I don’t run. Ever. I bike. And sometimes Moonwalk.
C. I wasn’t aware I was writing this blog in order to be “relative” to anyone. We write “BOOBIES” on calculators and sing songs about ring rash. I don’t really try all that hard to be relatable, I just be myself. And tons of really awesome people happen to relate to that, and they are my Internet friends now. They are also probably going to hurl Internet javelins at you, like I would do for them.
D. That’s a bold assertion. So you believe that what someone wears can determine their character? I take it you also think girls who wear high heels deserve to be raped? Girls with blond hair are dumb? You just painted yourself as highly judgmental, bigoted, patronizing, stereotyping, and my favorite of all, completely moronic. You just set society back a few decades; nice work.
E. Give who a break? What? Why? Is this blog required reading in Canada? If so, that’s awesome.
F. I can’t believe he/she prefers bloggers get free stuff than pay for things themselves with their own hard-earned money. That sort of negates the entire premise of the comment, which is making me smile.
G. I don’t know how they can, because I sure can’t! Gee, but I think I’ll hate them and call them vapid for being able to? No wait, that doesn’t sound right. Do you go on Sephora.com and find reviews of expensive products, then ridicule those people for buying them? You act like a recession is a snow storm, and I’m driving around in a convertible in it. I work hard, I’m thankful for what I have, and I’m not asking for any handouts. The rest is none of your goddamned business.
Also, I don’t own any purses for which I’ve paid more than $300. [Thanks, eBay!] I have one pair of boots that was $1000 retail, but I got $500 off with a promotional code, and paid for the rest with money I earned selling things on eBay. The rest, I just buy on eBay period. Man, now I’m getting really pissed off.
H. Daily basis? Who shops on a daily basis for things that expensive? I don’t even brush my hair on a daily basis.
I. Multiple pairs. Yes, you got me there. I have a closet. Everyone out there with a closet, please raise your hands! [Can we all agree Disgruntled Fan has never been to Sea of Shoes? Or maybe Disgruntled F. has, and that’s why Jane turned off her comment section.]
J. If you don’t begrudge me, then why… oh, forget it.
K. I have never, ever, EVER in any way stated that how I dress and what I wear is the only way to be stylish. You should be ashamed of yourself for suggesting that. I often post pictures of other people as inspirational in how they dress; me, I’m just doing my own thing. And here I’m going to have to tell you go to screw yourself.
L. There are no good thrift stores here, or else I would. Also, eBay and online is easier for me. I’m a busy, busy bee, Disgruntled! And I like to spend my free time with Rob, not alienating him while I wander dusty clothes racks. Although that does sound fun.
M. I don’t know how 😦 Oh yeah, and I have a day job, dummy. When am I going to find the time to stitch my own undies? Gotsta bring home the bacon for the boots, right!? Time is money in this tough economy! Work work work! Earn earn earn. Spend spend spend!
N. Hey, stop telling me what to do.
O. Good thinking!
P. I highly, highly doubt you’re a fan.
Normally, I wouldn’t give this person this much coverage, but this one was too good not to pass up. I love the rest of you.